Already, hundreds of people who turned into zombies have found themselves jobless and on the streets.
In 2008, the government mandated a program in which known zombies go through a deactivation process. The brain is desensitized from craving human flesh.
Unfortunately, that's as far as the feds went. The zombies are left to lead an existential lifestyle.
In the Midwest, one temp agency had the foresight to find jobs for these unfortunate soulless individuals.
Everlasting Temp Solutions, LLC, based in Hell, Mich., has been placing zombies in working environments since 2009.
Its founder, Damian Ronning, is a zombie hunter-turned-staffing specialist.
Ronning said that he was beginning to consider switching career tracks even before the government created the deactivation program.
The nation's efforts to go green spurred him even further.
"I realized that I was contributing to the overflow of landfills," Ronning said. "And let's face it, I'm a capitalist. There was no money in sport hunting zombies, and it was messy. There had to be a way to recycle them, to make them useful to society."
In a sudden act of compassion, Ronning began focusing his efforts on finding jobs for zombies. With the help of a recruiter friend, he was able to create Everlasting Temp Solutions, an employment agency that actively seeks out zombies for placement in the following industries:
- Big-box store greeters and cart handlers
- Crash test dummies
- Meth lab cleanup
"These are the jobs that have the highest need for a zombie temp," Ronning told me. "The majority of humans don't want to do these jobs, since they're high-risk and low pay. Also, zombies don't need medical insurance or workers' comp. They're gonna live forever unless a forklift crushes their head or a meth lab blows up, and if that's the case, we just provide the company with another."
Immortality gives the candidates an edge when it comes to direct hiring. Everlasting Temp Solutions provides temp-to-hire services for businesses that recognize zombies aren't "job jumpers."
"Really, they're the most ideal candidates," Ronning said. "They don't require breaks, so there's no problem with productivity. There's no question of compliance with ADA regulations because they can work in unsavory conditions without complaint. And you don't see them filing discrimination lawsuits with the EEOC because they just don't care. They're dead."
I asked Ronning if Everlasting Temp Solutions still had to perform background checks.
"Oh, absolutely," he replied. "There's still the occasional rogue zombie out there that hasn't been deactivated. If we're caught employing zombies who eat their coworkers' brains, our agency could face a huge penalty. We could even lose our license."
We asked Damian what was the most frequent complaint about his employees. He responded: "Well, usually it's a hygiene thing. Just because they've been deactivated, doesn't mean they know how to eat properly. Sometimes they eat a raw steak right before heading to work, thus leaving blood all over their shirt and face. We have started a training course to help them know the appropriate time for meals, so hopefully these complaints will go down soon."
My number-one question for Ronning was, "How do you recruit zombies?"
Obviously, they're not updating their LinkedIn profiles or resumes.
"No, that was the toughest part," Ronning said. "We operate on referrals, and we also have a guerrilla recruiting team that trolls the streets looking for these individuals. It is a challenge, but by now our brand has gotten enough recognition that word is out."
Ronning said he plans to market his zombie temps to law enforcement.
"They can smell human flesh better than any police dog," he said. "I foresee a lot of missing persons cases getting solved."
*If you've made it this far and still think this is a real story, please accept our apologies.