OK, so this really isn’t a list of things threatening your company. (Unless your company is a bunch of cubicles in Thunderdome.) I just happened across a list of workplace safety tips today. And I don’t know about you, but one of three things happen when I’m supposed to read workplace safety tips. 1) I don’t read the safety tips at all, and instead use this time to daydream about being given the choice between an oatmeal raisin cookie the size of a sandbox, or a sandbox filled with oatmeal raisin cookies. 2) I skim the idiotically obvious safety tips, get drowsy, and my face eventually lands on the coffee burner, which ironically wasn’t listed among the safety tips. 3) I think about the safety tips I wish were listed.
Today, #3 occurred, and this is what went through my head:
1) We Must Keep Our Work Stations Clean, or Risk Certain Death
Every employee, like it or not, must one day contend with the growing pile of “stuff” on their desk. With all those piles of Post-Its, coffee mugs, old mail, TPS reports, and snack wrappers, we most certainly face the serious risk of being judged by others who also have desks in disarray. But more than that, we also risk total annihilation. One minute you’re putting down payroll checks and the next minute all the frayed wires and smouldering cigars in your pile of junk have started a cubicle-pocalypse. Or, if you’re lucky, the pile doesn’t start on fire but instead, when you reach for something at the bottom, you just lose a limb due to that bear trap you set there after one of those quarterly Trapper Conventions you always go on. Now I’m not pointing fingers or placing blame; I’m just saying deal with it. Don’t make your friendly HR rep ask you twice.
2) We Must Properly File the Broken Glass
You know what they say: filingliness is close to mod squadliness. And like The Mod Squad, you want your filing protocol to be a great success, then forgotten, then found by Claire Danes and Omar Epps, and then forgotten again. What you don’t want is every dropped lightbulb, smashed monitor, and shattered window to lay in shards all willy-nilly around the office. I mean, that could lead to some serious injuries! So, remember, do it like The Mod Squad and quickly gather the sharp glass, place it gently in a manila file folder, label it, and drop it in the alphabetized cabinet located in your nearest Break Room. Because that’s where all break-related activities take place.
3) We Must Neuter and De-Venomize the Scorpu-Pine
This goes without saying. If you don’t, your co-workers most certainly be eviscerated.
4) We Must Isolate the Office Serial Killers
I know it’s taboo to talk about, but let’s face it: Every office has them. So now that that’s unquestionably agreed upon, the matter at hand is how do we deal with them? Well according to Forbes Magazine, there are three steps to a “successful serialization.” Step 1: Locate the serial killers. This is easy, says Forbes, just find the cubicles most often smelling of turned cheese and ether. Step 2: Find a spot to re-locate them. Forbes recommends areas with poor ventilation and very few fire exits, where they can hopefully just kill each other off. But we, being a progressive company, recommend looking at the positive side of office serial killers by re-locating them in the most useless departments. Step 3: Lure them there. This may seem an impossible task, because lord knows you don’t want to pose a threat, but Forbes suggests a simple bait-and-switch technique. Invite a troupe of scouts to the office, ask them to take off their shirts and wear vests made of ribeye steaks, and then ask them to run amok. While they rile and confuse the killers, move their desks and belongings.
5) We Must Stop Being So Fucking Stupid
This, of course, is essential … and also optional.